Carrie Bradshaw called them “Man Whores”, TLC called them “Scrubs”, and every 90s hip hop artist called them “Players”. Today we call them “fuckboys”, but the sentiment is the same.
But before I start with the bashing, I want to start with the brain.
I’ve had my fair share of bad relationships – and I can’t say that it’s always someone else’s fault, because that would make me an idiot, and a liar. But I can tell you, that every “relationship” or lack thereof, I’ve ever had with a fuckboy has not ended well.
- You meet the boy.
- You have sex with the boy.
- The boy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious.
- You have sex with the boy a lot more.
- You develop feelings for the boy.
- The boy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious.
- You eventually break up with the boy…
But first you put yourself through torment and tribulation trying to change the boy, train the boy, chase the boy, and finally get over the boy. And if this sounds a little like insanity, it’s because it is.
And modern day medicine proclaims you can blame your brain for that. I, for one, intend to.
Let me explain. There is a chemical in the brain called Oxytocin. It is a hormone that lives in your pituitary gland and its released pretty regularly throughout life – after a woman gives birth to help bond her to her newborn, while cuddling or laughing with someone you’re getting close to, and during and after an orgasm. And Oxytocin isn’t the only hormone that comes out to play when things are heating up between the hips – it’s accompanied by its pals Dopamine and Serotonin, which is why orgasms make you happy, and their addictive.
So what happens when these chemicals combine themselves with a toxic relationship? A continued chain of tumultuous explosions – the kind of chemistry you don’t want to mix with a fuckboy. When you’re getting that rush of chemicals on the reg from the same person, you’re unwittingly bonding yourself to them with a chemical connection. That’s why it can feel so horrible, when said fuckboy, doesn’t make you happy. Logically, you’re aware that the situation sucks, but chemically you’ve got a whole lot of weaning to do. When you lose something that’s providing you with regular rushes of Dopamine and Serotonin, your body has a period of readjusting. And when you lose someone you’re bonded so closely with, you grieve the person – which is LITERALLY, a bummer (ugh, thanks Oxytocin).
But I think there’s more to this brain stuff.
There is a certain arrogance about fuckboy proclamations. Think about it, the name deems that particular person as someone who sleeps around – get’s laid a lot, breaks women’s hearts – you admitted you cared for them and we’re hurt over them, and then continues down a path that society just kind of…laughs off. How big of an ego booster is that? It’s the double standard of dating that I will NEVER get over, a man sleeps around and its almost natural. But when a women does it…
You know what, don’t get me started, we don’t have all night here.
What I’m saying is this, this fuckboy mindset is creating a fuckboy culture. A society of men that are down with sleeping around and a society of women that are deemed insane for…well, feeling. When a player is proud of themselves, I pity them. When a woman is dating one, I pity her. But no matter the nickname, the current state of millennial dating culture is “hella fucked” and nearly hopeless.
So what can you do?
Well, if you’re over having your heart broken by boys who won’t settle, stop dating them. Or, date a ton of them at the same time. Seriously.
In my experience, fuckboys are pretty open about their lack of relationship status. I don’t normally ask for details, and they tend not to offer them, but a whole hell of a lot of them tend to come right out and say it – or at least deliver enough signs to reveal their true intentions.
In case you’re not sure what those signs are, let’s review.
Signs you might be talking to/dating/soon dumping a fuckboy:
- You’re never in public together, and definitely not on his social media.
- He’s weird about his phone and alludes to/actually admits to talking to other women. (OR – he tries desperately to hide that he’s talking to other woman, but your ninja skills prove that he is, indeed, doing that.)
- He’s told you that he doesn’t want a girlfriend (and please, for your sake, believe him).
- You usually only hear from him late at night and almost exclusively via text.
- He doesn’t take your calls, or only takes them when its convenient for him.
- He doesn’t have any interest in your life – your friends, family, or work situations.
- He doesn’t spend the night, or goes days without communicating with you after hooking up.
- He doesn’t answer his phone while he’s with you.
- He comments on other women’s social media pages and other women unapologetically comment on his.
- You don’t feel great about the situation in general – something is seriously lacking; affection, attention, praise, or feeling appreciated. Whatever it is, the entire thing feels too casual for comfort.
So what happens when you date a whole bunch of them at once? Well, the key word in my Oxytocin spiel was “consistency”. Having a roster of guys tends to turn your attention and validation away from feeding all your needs with just one person. It’s hard to take offense that a guy you’re seeing casually is seeing someone else too, when you’re doing the same. Straight up: it’s hard to focus on one fuckboy when you’re entertained by four or five others.
Unless you’re one of those people that falls in love in five minutes. With everyone. All the time. In which case, this is a dangerous way to play it.
In that case, I would really get clear about what you want and make a conscious decision to shy away from dating men who can’t, or won’t, fulfill you. Because if you don’t, you’re just going to feel disappointed, angry and hurt – which is a terrible way to treat yourself.
Fuckboys exist whether we want them in our lives or not. The beat em/join em mindset has fostered false connections and rekindled the art of casual dating. Or, it’s broken the hearts of hopeless romantics everywhere.
But don’t just take my word for it. Let’s ask some experts.
SUSAN BRATTON, “Trusted Hot Sex Advisor to Millions 💋”
It’s really tough in today’s culture for women who want a committed man. There’s an embarrassment of riches for men who just want to fuck around. They’re a mere swipe right away from a woman who wants to get laid tonight.
You can’t fight against this phenomenon, men are biologically driven to plant their seed far and wide.
For every 45-year old virgin out there, there are a million 45-year old playboys who can’t get off the crack of a new hookup every night. They don’t HAVE to settle down. They can father children until the day they die. So they can play the field well into their mid-life with no regrets.
Your best strategy is two-fold. First, fight fire with fire. Enjoy your own sexuality. Have safe, hot sex with as many partners as you desire. Each lover teaches you more about your own body, your own sexuality and what you like and what you don’t.
Here’s my video series on how to keep your mind, body and soul safe while you’re gaining your sexual experiences. How To Have Safe, Hot Sex: STI’s, Setting Boundaries and How and When To Have The Safe Sex Talk
Second, while you’re waiting for the perfect guy to come along, if you don’t want to play the field you can, “take a lover.”
It’s perfectly reasonable for today’s modern woman to “take a lover.” A lover doesn’t need to be male. Increasingly, women are enjoying the pleasures of another woman as lover. Fuckboi, anyone?
When you walk through life allowing your pussy to do the picking instead of your rational brain, you can have incredibly intense sexual experiences with someone you truly love even if they aren’t who you’ll end up starting a family with.
When you give yourself permission to play the field yourself or take a lover, you come into any dating situation more empowered and less needy.
So when a guy says he’s not ready to settle down, don’t try and “flip him.” Turn the fuckboy into a fuckTOY or keep walking, knowing you have your own sexy lover and don’t need him.
But how do you find someone who will commit? Cast a wider net. If all you’re meeting are fuckboys, travel in new circles, date a wider range of ethnicities, get off Tinder and Bumble and onto Match and eHarmony.
Because though it might seem like every man is now a fuckboy, there are millions of men who actually want a loyal, sexy girlfriend. In fact, that’s what most men want. They want to fall in love and marry their sexy best friend. Playing the field only lasts so long for most guys. They’d trade in a new woman every night for the woman of their dreams. Home-cooked meals are right up there on every man’s list of top desirable traits in a woman. (Whether you cook, or you don’t cook – the metaphor holds true.)
I really want you to hear this: Most men have the same fantasy you do: To fall in love with their sexy best friend. The husband-material guys are out there. I promise. Don’t let your frustration get in the way of believing that good guys who want to commit are available to you. They are.
You just have to get online and work on your profile to call in the ones that match your value system. Click Here To Discover Your Top 4 Relationship Values .
Use the chat features on dating apps to QUALIFY guys before you go on a quick meet and greet. Own what you seek. Make no excuses for wanting a loyal, loving boyfriend. Because they are out there dreaming of finding you.
CHRIS THOMPSON, SupDaily
In the last few years especially I have heard the term “fuckboy” used a lot more. Fuckboys are arrogant, fuckboys ghost people, fuckboys unapologetically use women in a very open fashion. Thing is, fuckboy isn’t a new thing. Men who have reached puberty but not maturity have acted this way as long as I’ve been alive. We called them douchebags or players. While I don’t condone their behavior, let’s refrain from acting like this is some sort of new epidemic.
I see women call out on social media all the time. “No more fuckboys.” Hash tagging on their instagrams or telling long winded stories about how this fuckboy screwed them over. To me, that is just cries of pain from someone who was hurt and deceived.
You want to know the quickest way to get fuckboys to go away?
Start loving yourself. Know your needs and standards and stick to them.
Think about it.
If you took time to know yourself and your needs you would see the way a fuck boy behaves and walk away from it. This is easier said than done, especially for women with less experience in the dating world.
If you want a tip on how to identify this behavior just watch what he does. When it comes to men their actions are way more of an indicator of intent.
Sure, when you guys hung out he told you how awesome and special you are, but two days later you haven’t heard a peep? Action over words ALWAYS.
But, there’s hope. I think heartbreak shapes us for the person we are truly supposed to end up with…
So, instead of looking at actions of a fuckboy take a moment and self-reflect. Learn about who you are and what you want. Write down a list of the non-negotiables that you need to feel secure in a relationship. If EVEN ONE of those non-negotiables isn’t there, then have the strength to walk away.
It’s not extreme, it’s smart. Love yourself, know your standards, and I promise you the fuckboys will disappear from your life.
But these are just The Humble Opinions of a Hot Blonde…and some experts that are way smarter than me.
And don’t forget to check my Facebook page for tomorrow’s Daily Dilemma!
Added entertainment: Jessica’s drunken rendition of her fuckboy theme song >>> Are you sure you want to see this?